The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

07:54 Mar 28 2009
Times Read: 786

Well this was a day. I got up around noon, got dressed and just messed around until about 3pm. I left the house and half-way to the store I got sick and ended up making someones driveway rather icky. Got home, shaking wildly and spent a good part of the day in bed or bent over a trash can.



I'm feeling a bit better and was able to eat some. Still, I'm tired and feeling a bit odd.



This is what my doctors and some friends/family don't understand. It's more than a bad back keeping me from working, I could be having a great day and then BAM emptying out my guts. Something tells me an employer wouldn't like that.



I'm tired of being sick, tired in general, gonna take some Ativan to try and relax some and then try to sleep so I can (if God's willing) actually make it to the store tomorrow.



Bye all, love ya!

17:52 Mar 26 2009
Times Read: 805

Well (long pause) after a week of some drama and two years both difficult and great times K and I have reached a mutual decision. I wont really go into it just because...you know.



I'm not 100% happy about it nor am I 100% sure it's the perfect thing to do but I am sure it's the best thing to do. Like I told him, it's better to end in friendship than end in resentment. Now while we aren't exactly "just friends" we don't have to worry about things or have to deal with the constraints of a more conventional relationship.



Given our past, future plans and recent events this choice makes sense at this specific moment.



See what I go through to make sure both sides remain happy, in good standing with each other and can have a viable future in some way, together?



Now, if you'll excuse me I am absolutely exhausted. You'd be amazed at how much things like that can wear you (well me) down. To bed I go!

23:08 Mar 25 2009
Times Read: 828

Now I could be part of the minority here and possibly wrong but I like the idea nonetheless. After all without searching through new and untested ideas (well as much as you can test any quantum theory lol) we'd never learn anything new.



In the search for an accurate theory of both gravity and quantum gravity I think going about it via the side door might help us glimpse it.



Quantum gravity is an apparent force giving gravitational qualities to particles but it acts in a somewhat different way than the gravity you and I experience every day. By better understanding quantum entanglement and coming up with ways to map particle movements and interactions I think it may be possible to see the gravitational signature left by those particles. Basically checking for gravitational wakes, or what might look like it, similar to us looking for gravitational waves and eddies produced by black holes and galaxies. That is, if it's really gravity that we're looking for.



In the same spirit of searching for information loss in black holes we could end up discovering that our QG isn't gravity at all.



Just some random thoughts from last nights work.

01:05 Mar 25 2009
Times Read: 868

The past week on avg. I ate around 1100 cal. a day, today I'm not sure I'll have more than 500. Raging thoughts leave little room for anything else.

11:54 Mar 24 2009
Times Read: 889

(Re-wrote the entry because I left out a funny bit)



So it seems that a few people think Stevie and I look alike. I don't see it, I mean maybe because we both have really nice lips and weigh about the same (even though he's a few inches shorter than I am). Not to sure what to think about that lol.



One sorta funny thing I forgot to mention in the entry about meeting Stevie for the first time were my first four thoughts about him.

1) Wow he is really super cute.

2) And he's actually interested in me! *happy dance inside)

3) Can I take you home now? :)

4) Oh wait I'm not a whore and neither is he. lol



I was able to sell half of the 1922 German 1000 Marks I put up for sale which is nice.



It's like 6:30 AM here and I just finished watching Schindler's List, love that movie. I'm really tired but have no desire to go to sleep as my mind is racing with thoughts about the two big things that happened today and then some other things in general.



Is it just me or does it seem like the current Pope has served longer than expected? Not that I'm looking forward to him going away, on the contrary I'd love it if he out reigned John Paul the Great. (and no Nazi comments, that stuff really ticks me off and will get you blocked quick, no matter who you are)



*sigh* what is a boy to do...

06:16 Mar 24 2009
Times Read: 917

This comes about as a result of one person but it is for everyone and not all of it applies to each and everyone.



"You always have to be right." No I just am for the most part.



"That attitude gets annoying." It's only an attitude if I'm wrong or trying to be a jerk.



Look, the fact is I am very rarely wrong, everyone knows this. Everyone also knows that if I am wrong I'll gladly admit it so I can learn the correct answer. That also means if I say something chances are I'm right. It's been that way forever, get over it.



If you willingly allow yourself to be wrong about something simple then you will allow yourself to be wrong about a lot. Why? Because everything we know, see, perceive, it all is built upon the small subtle clues and information we pick up. "Useless information" is what builds the person and the world, it is the gateway to greater things.



Everyone knows I can be a bit arrogant at times, I try to not be that much but I am. However, the arrogance comes from a basis in reality.



If you're wrong you're wrong, admit it, big or small. If you're right then you're right, admit that as well.

If what you claim is right or wrong then it's an opinion which is neither right nor wrong but you must admit it's an opinion.



I have spent every waking moment of my life learning, in search of the truth and making sure that I am right so that I can be of service to anyone who wants it. Even when working at a gas station in the past I learned things. I learned things about the business, I learned things about people as they came in. I do NOT understand how someone can be alright with being wrong or do something foolish without trying to correct it.



There is only one thing that matters and that is truth regardless of how big or small it may be and the search for truth should be the guiding force in all our lives.



We cannot be perfect but unless we strive for it with every fiber of our being then we will do nothing but stagnate and fade away.



I live my life by that, it is the most important thing in my life, more than life, love or anything else. That search, that philosophy is my soul, heart, mind and body and when that is not respected or blown off I am not respected and blown off.



If someone tells me something is important to them I do all I can to respect that and to not hurt them. How can you not?



Some things are beyond my capacity to understand and that's one of them.



After years of being around someone (or anyone who has a similar philosophy, or any amount of wisdom or knowledge) how can you remain unchanged? How can a person go through life and be fine with where they are? Being proud of who you are is one thing but remaining there is a sin against the very nature of humanity. To grow, adapt, learn and move forward even if there isn't a clear path in front of you.



I am more than just an intelligent person, I'm more than a pretty face, more than an introverted eccentric poor guy with a disease. But, I am me and I always grow over time. You are you and that won't change. Be yourself but, if you don't grow or learn, if you disregard wisdom or knowledge, if you can't separate opinion from fact then what are you even here for? Why try if you won't try? If you try to bake a chocolate cake with white cake batter, it will fail and if you try it again then you're stupid. You must continue trying but if it won't work then you must try a different path until you get there.





My tirade is over.

03:59 Mar 24 2009
Times Read: 930

Just got back from seeing Steven. He's much cutter in person and incredibly sweet. We stayed at Starbucks talking for about 4 hours. Everything had an atmosphere of innocence, like two shy boys trying to hide their attraction but doing everything they could to understand each others minds and figure out what they were thinking along "those" lines.



We talked about everything from movies to cyborgs, cloning, fashion, physics and so on. He's really bright and has a lot of interest in the things I do e.g physics and medicine. His voice is soft, doesn't do drugs and actually seemed to enjoy the fact that I use a cane. He works the make-up counter at Dillard's which is neat and we have a lot of things in common. He has really dark blue eyes, 5'9" (I kinda like shorter guys), a great smile and laugh.



We parted ways with a hug (boy smells nice) and next time will be over dinner.



I really enjoyed myself and looking forward to seeing him again.

20:02 Mar 23 2009
Times Read: 943

Howdy peeps! I was out all day/night with my friend Jenn and by the time I got home I was uberly tired. I'll prolly be out until 8-9 tonight.



Hope everyone's doing great and sorry I wasn't able to chat up/feel up my special VR friends ;)

03:49 Mar 22 2009
Times Read: 962

Well guys I'm not going to be on as late/early as I have been recently. As much as I like spending sunrise with everyone I have to get back on some sort of "normal"(well at least healthy) schedule even if that means sleeping for most of this day and night.



I'll be gone most of the day tomorrow and won't be on until around 10PM at least.



From time to time I watch "1001 Ways to Die" a show that reenacts true stories of death. Most of which are really stupid like this one:



A electrician with an anger problem spends his days off fishing. As long as he catches fish he's happy. This time however, he hasn't been catching anything except a migraine. He gets ticked off and starts screaming at God yelling "I'm not afraid of you, show yourself, I'm an electrician damn it!"

He goes to shore and grabs a high voltage power cable, plugs it into the cities 12,000 volt outlet and goes back out into the lake. He stands on some wooden seats, tosses the cord in the lake and immediately fish start coming belly up.



He wont be happy until he kills every single little fish exclaiming "Look what you made me do God, how do you like that!?!" In his anger he starts to rock the boat, slips and his feet land on the floor of the boat. The problem is, the boat is metal. He becomes completely paralyzed as every single nerve in his body stops working and dies in agony.



True story. It just proves the words of the Lord; "Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God."



Ah, I feel better now :) haha

20:48 Mar 21 2009
Times Read: 994

As you all know I've had a not so secret love affair with chocolate for years. Most times I prefer the more refined, darker chocolates but I bought a box of Hershey's "Cacao Reserve" and I gotta say it's pretty yummy.



It's their truffle crunch and is it very sweet (notable because dark chocolates should be slightly bitter compared to what most Americans enjoy) but has just enough coco butter to not melt in your hand, through the wrapping. Once it's out it gets all gooey and I actually like that.



I've also been eating loads of sugar cookies. I get around 4-6 boxes a week each with 10 cookies. They're 180 calories each, moist like no other and ever so..droolable :) There's one thing I like about having my peculiar metabolism and that's the ability for me to eat 1,000 calories of sweets a day on top of regular food and not gain a single pound. Take that Richard Simmons! muhahaha



On a more healthy note I've been doing real good when it comes to drinking water. I used to never drink water, only Pepsi and tea, but now I drink between 1-3 liters a day of pure water. My kidneys sing praises :)



Since I'm not as physically active as I used to be I try to make sure I find ways of keeping muscle tone and posture. The one bad thing is whenever I sit (in any position) without the aid of a chair my legs go numb within 4 minutes. It blows but I can still walk up stairs with some books on my head so I suppose it's paying off.



Jenn's dream was more of an unconscious series of thoughts breaking their way out. I wont go into the details because they're private but I was able to assure her it was all a dream. The time we dream is actually when our brain makes sense of the world and creates long term memories (which is why it's very bad to cram all night and not get sleep, you end up forgetting more than you retain, truth). So anything you dwell on a lot, or anything lodged in your subconscious will tend to dominate your dreams for that day or even that week +



See you on the flip side!

19:10 Mar 21 2009
Times Read: 1,002

I just watched a bio on Andre the Giant and feel a bit sad. I've done a bit of research on him over the years and he was really one of the greatest guys you could ever know. Such a sweet soul.



And now I'm off to finish sleeping and then get ready to hang out with Jenn later. She called me and said she had a nightmare so I've got to play interpreter lol.

18:08 Mar 21 2009
Times Read: 1,010

I know my stalker! I was showing this picture to some folks last night and I kept thinking that he looked really familiar to me. Turns out I actually went to church with the boy some years back. At the time he was maybe 16 (he's an adult in the pic) so now I feel sorta like a dirty old man. To bad I am one :D haha



Now I don't feel as creeped out about that first message he sent saying he had seen me around for years.

As a side bar, the church we went to together is the same one that holds the honour of being the first church to kick me out for teaching against doctrine *yay*. In other words I was telling folks that the important thing is our personal faith in God/Christ and our joint understanding of the Bible through him, not blind allegiance to doctrine which does little more than drive people away and Christians farther apart from each other.



My little rant is over now :)

08:47 Mar 21 2009
Times Read: 1,032

I've decided to go and actually meet with my "stalker". If all goes to plan we'll be having dinner this Monday.



We've exchanged messages on MySpace for a week or so and he seems to be harmless. He's a nice boy and is a bit unsure of himself when it comes to what he wants to do with his life. I suppose there's a time in all our lives when we find ourselves at such a place.



I don't know where we'll be having dinner, other than a public place of course, but I'm sure it should make for an interesting time. He told me that he was really nervous about meeting me, I'm not sure if that's a complement or not lol.



Here be a picture I have of him.

Until I actually meet him I'm not going to give his name, we can just call him Mr. S



He's 20, lives in my town and is going to school for Interior Design.



I'd really like it if this would turn out to be the start of a great friendship. I know literally thousands of people yet all but a handful are either business associates, general acquaintances or live miles and nations away. So it would be nice to have a close gay friend without the need for a sexual relationship who also has an IQ above 90.

09:43 Mar 20 2009
Times Read: 1,101


THE TRUTH ABOUT MY SUPER AIDS



I summoned up the courage to go out for a bit by myself. After fooling around for a while I go to my favourite restaurant and low and behold my friend Mike is working. (thats odd because he usually doesn't work the weekends anymore)



So I'm sitting there, in some pain, and he makes some jokes about my "super aids" (no I don't have AIDS, he just picks on me because my disease is mean and horrible with little understanding as to what caused it or how to stop it) and then goes off to work a bit more.



I was wanting to stay longer and actually get to talk to him (he is seriously like the most awesomest hetero I've ever met in person) but my back just kept getting worse and worse. I've been on methadone for 4 months now (I think 4) and overall it helps a lot when I'm at home or out for dinner and simple things like that. However, this last week or two has been absolute hell. Even after taking an extra pill or two over a 24 hour period it's still just as bad. It hurts like hell to bend over or twist and it's so bad at times I get nauseated. I can't keep taking extra pills because then I'll run out near the end of the month and methadone has a tendency to build up over time to toxic levels if you're not careful. Plus, even when I take extra all that happens is my face starts to itch and I get really tired, little added pain relief of course.



The point is I'm starting to get really depressed over this. Being in constant pain is one thing, but having it get worse and throw in the other things going on and well, to be honest, I've given serious thought to killing myself more than once.

I'm pissed off, end of story. Between health, money problems, family issues and other private things I really have no idea what to do next and at the moment I really wouldn't mind if I went to sleep and woke up to God's face.



I had a moment of indulgence and bought "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" even though I really don't have the money to spend. The lady at the store said she saw it yesterday and really, really liked it. If I can keep my eyes open long enough I'll watch it before I go to bed tonight.



There are so many things I want to do both big and small, important and not so important. Things as simple as updating a Coven page or writing the rest of the gamma ray burst articles. I want to use my article on gay rights to help bring officially me into the realm of gay activism and I want to be able to have a good time with Kevin and the other people I want to see.

Most people think that doing something like typing on a computer is easy and that I should be able to do more than watch TV and lay around. Well, ordinarily it is easy but not when your body doesn't work properly. Pain, nausea, cramps, spasms, headaches, anorexia (not the eating disorder) etc all take a little bit of life and strength out of you each day. The longer it continues the less you can do.



I know I'm probably rambling and repeating myself right now but tough, you're the one who chose to read :) Or is it choose? Damn my 7th grade education!

I want to give up, life, relationships, hope and dreams. But it doesn't work that way does it? Life goes on no matter how many times you scream, a train you can never get off of.



Is it just me or are there 2 new profiles around here that have bones to pick with most of VR? Stupid people and their 1 ratings and vendettas to "clean up" the site.



--Reverend, Doctor, X. Israel J. Lynn B.-Rogers McInnes

Member of the Federation of American Scientists

BOD Omni Research Group

Director Variable Quantum Research Project

Cmdr. Tenn. Div. of SM/CSA

Architectural Drafter

Member ANA



....and all the other crap that goes with my name, yup that is my real name, of course the initials have letters that go with them but there didn't seem to be room for them all lol.



**Yes I know the title was a bit misleading and that there is a real strain of HIV/AIDS refereed to as "Super AIDS". But come on folks the title was a joke and Lord knows we need a laugh from time to time. Super AIDS for the Super Queer! ;)

09:28 Mar 17 2009
Times Read: 1,123

This CAN'T be happening. Four years ago I was going out with a very interesting person, we broke up and I haven't seen him since. I log on and find that now we're "friends" on MySpace.

Long story short, it's not really a good thing.



More to come...

22:15 Mar 16 2009
Times Read: 1,130

Hmm lets see... I've worked for an oil company, a pharmaceutical company, the Church and as a government contractor for military personnel.

Is there any doubt as to why I can't sleep all through the night? lol



I'm putting together a more complete story about my ancestry with pictures and maps and such. Should be rather interesting I hope.

07:17 Mar 16 2009
Times Read: 1,140

This be a bit random I know but it seems I may be rather good at writing "adult" stories.

Usually I'd never even think about something like that but I do have an imagination and (when I put some effort forth) a pretty darn good way with words.



The whole idea came about a while ago from K. From time to time I'd write him some sweet letter with a "special" story in it as well and I was going over some older ones (bc I save nearly everything I write ~period~) and they were really pretty damn good.



I haven't a clue how to go about it from any professional sense and really doubt I would but it's a neat thought, to me at least.



Anyone want a romantical story about/for them? hehe



I swear someday soon I'll actually write something in this journal worth reading again. lol

23:53 Mar 15 2009
Times Read: 1,153

*cries* I don't wanna be "that" guy! It seems any time I talk to a really hot boy I tend to sound really stupid.



Acting straight (like I do at times for fun) is soo much easier than being gay lol.

06:12 Mar 14 2009
Times Read: 1,202

This is really hard for me to talk about. You know, you live your whole life in denial, trying to be something your not and then something happens to you. You're forced to admit the truth no matter how hard or how bad it is.



I.... am white. That's right, I said it. I am white!



So please stop talking to me like a thug. "Wat up" is a bit hard for me to understand.



Better yet, I did go past the 4th grade, so until you do as well please don't talk to me :)



--Peace

02:11 Mar 14 2009
Times Read: 1,205

I finally got the German Marks I ordered last month. I thought that it was going to be 40 1000 Mark Marks from 1922, all the same variety but it turns out I got all 8 varieties *woot*



Theres something that feels good about holding 40 banknotes with 1000 on them lol



Got a splitting headache though.

08:39 Mar 13 2009
Times Read: 1,219

I just read that between 1997-2007 the US military dismissed nearly 10,000 soldiers for being gay.



Iraq, N. Korea.... they don't need to kill our soldiers, the brass and government does a better job. Why do I say that? Because getting rid of 10,000 troops just because they're evil fags is getting rid of another 10,000 soldiers who don't have someone to give them cover fire.



Now, ask me why I don't support the government or the idea of a perpetual union.

05:14 Mar 12 2009
Times Read: 1,244

And people call me crazy for saying I have fans, or at least stalkers...



This is a message I got on MySpace the other day. I get about 1 a week like this from people I've never seen before.





"i'm at a loss as to how to begin this message, so i'll just start. i've seen you [around] for years now and have always been somewhat fascinated by you. i'm not exactly sure why, but i refrained from ever saying anything.

i actually took a look at your myspace though, and i am truly amazed at how fascinating you actually are. i was blown away when i read about all you do. science has always been a huge interest of mine, and i'm looking at going into architecture. reading that was a huge "go" to message you.

so i just thought i'd say hello, and that it'd be incredible to get to know you in whatever way. you seem like a very dimensional person, which is always interesting.

i'll look forward to hearing from you!"



I replied and said thank you, what else could I have said afterall?

00:51 Mar 12 2009
Times Read: 1,262

You guys are right as usual. I suppose I'll be staying, after all without folks like you I'd only have K to talk to and well, he's boring :) lmao



I am however, still going to get rid of my DrJay account, just can't afford 2 right now. It's nothing special but if anyone would like to have it just let me know. Of course you'll have to keep it a PM account.

00:53 Mar 11 2009
Times Read: 1,311

I think I'm leaving VR. Even I have limits to the amount of bs that people toss around.

09:05 Mar 02 2009
Times Read: 1,338

So like I said in my last entry I buy/sell foreign paper money when I can. Well a really cool thing happened. I bought a "lot/bunch" of 75 notes the other week. When I got them I went through them and most of 'em were just your regular worn out bills from about 25 countries or so. I keep a collection of my own and was able to fill in some gaps but around 40 of the bills I was going to sell.



Well this week I got my paper money book, tells the values, a bit of history and things a person would need to know if they wanted to have a collection or get into the business of selling.



So I went through these 75 notes (which I bought for $17 or so) and found 8 notes that had a combined value of $120, one of them was worth $40 (I only paid a quarter for it!). Needless to say that made me very happy and I plan on buying more and of course selling more hehe :)

05:23 Mar 01 2009
Times Read: 1,229

Sorry for not being on much and for making pretty much zero journal entries.

Between the cold from hell, stuff going on at home and some recent VR drama I haven't really been in the mood to be on here.



The worst of my cold is over although I still get the sniffles from time to time. I've been really busy trying to get things going smoothly with silver investments and I've started buying/selling foreign paper money as well which takes up a lot of time. You know taking a crash course in the types and values of 100 languages, 200 national/regional banks and around 40 general denominations is a bit of a task lol.



It seems as though the universe has gone full circle. I'm back in my original coven, Infinitus Serenus, with MBK. Honestly I'm really happy about it although I wish the circumstances of me ending back up there were a bit less negative. At any rate I don't plan on leaving there period unless it's to help build new covens (like I've done many times) for a few weeks at most. I have absolutely no desire to visit other covens and even less of a desire to start my own one day. VR has a ton of really great people, unfortunately it's nearly overrun with the ignorant, mentally defective and liars. So for the last time, I'm staying put with my sexy CM MBK lol.



The weather here has been aggravating one week it's in the 60's and 70's and the next it's in the 30's and raining. Right now it's 35 a sleet is beginning to cover the roads. There's a good chance tomorrow things will be covered in a mix of snow and ice.



You know I had intended on doing so many things both here and in the "real" world, especially in physics, politics and the Project V book of Omni Research but it doesn't seem like I'll be doing much of anything. I'm not depressed and I can still walk but it's almost like I'm just completely disheartened with pretty much everything.



The only real change with my health is that now I'm fairly used to throwing up pretty often. Talked to one of my doctors about it and they said to just keep a bottle of promethazine and a glass of water with me at all times and "go with God" lol.



I miss Kevin so much it hurts and if I can't see him this month (March) then I'm going to jump of a bridge. He's a mean and evil homo for holding my heart so :P *sighs with gushy love stuff*



Oceanne, CD, Jenn N, LDR and all the rest of you *hugs n kisses* and keep sending me messages (and to some of you, START sending me messages lol) I miss hearing from everyone on a regular basis.



Thats it.



--X